i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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