Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
