I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
