I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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