She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
