wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
