My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
