So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
