I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
