Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
