MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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