college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
