tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
