I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
