youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
