my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I deserve this hangover.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
