if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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