Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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