so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You don't make any sense
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