what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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