I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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