and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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