hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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