but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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