I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Randomize
