You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
