I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
