Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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