About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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