I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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