i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
