By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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