And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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