got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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