God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
