I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
