The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
