i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
