see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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