This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
