break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
