If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dignity is for republicans.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's never too late to be topless.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
