I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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