when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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