Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you had me at cake vodka
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
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