Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The beer is more important than you right now.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
