flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
