When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
