i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
