So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
