I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
