My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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