I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
