I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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