I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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