I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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