elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
