Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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