i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
